Dear Secret Santa,
Hi, it’s Scaps again! How are you? Has November been shaping up really well for you? I hope you’ll have a nice Thanksgiving, it’s my preferred winter holiday. Well, actually I prefer Bobunk, but since Salem Saberhagen erased it from history, what can you do? Ah, the days of Bobunk.
*imagines a dreamland where Bobunk exists*
Oh, sorry, I didn’t mean to drift off like that. Anyway, the holiday season is unexpectedly upon us. I hate that, don’t you? I mean, whatever happened to the holidays beginning right after Thanksgiving? Then again I love listening to Christmas music no matter what time of the year it is, so I shouldn’t complain too much. My favorite Christmas carol is “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas”. It’s such a lilting and mellow torch song that you can’t help but fall in love with it. If there’s one Christmas song I hate, it’s definitely “Carol of the Bells”. Maybe because of the way it’s sung, and the melody. It just sounds like it’s really saying, “Have a Merry Christmas or we’ll kill you in your sleep!”
I remember telling this to Disney Duster in an e-mail, and I figured it’s worth telling again, if only to continue talking about Christmas. Whenever I feel like I’m getting out of the Christmas mood, I pick up John Grisham’s
Skipping Christmas, and read it to make myself feel better. Last year I read the book probably 50 times, which shows how anti-Christmassy I was that season. Unfortunately, even before November hit this year I had already read the book twice. I don’t know why. I mean, I want to get into the Christmas spirit (well, the Thanksgiving spirit first), but it just feels…I don’t know. Not Christmas. I’m midway through the book once more, and have reached a point where I simply carry it with me in my jacket.
I think I’ve just reached the point where Christmas isn’t exciting anymore, and has become such a commercial hassle that I probably should skip it one year. Not this year, obviously, since I’m participating in Secret Santa. But maybe next year. Then again, next year I could feel completely different. But the last time I had a really great Christmas was probably 2002.
Anyway, I’ve rambled enough. I’m sure all you really want to know is what I’d like for Christmas, so you can buy it now and get it out of the way!
Before we get to the list, let me just remind everyone that I
hate slipcovers. So if you buy me something and it happens to have a tree-killing DVD condom, please do me a favor and shred it, then include the shreddings with the gift, so I have proof that you did it.
Or, simply keep it for yourself, as the poor tree suffered enough, and I wouldn’t want to torture it any more than it already was.
I wonder if it’s worth describing what I’m like, since my wish list can help show what I’m like. But, if you’re reading this already, I might as well describe myself. Then again, if you’re skipping all my long and drawn out stuff, maybe I shouldn’t describe myself.
Ah, to hell with it. I haven’t posted in more than a month and so I’ve got a lot of catching up to do anyway…
My name is Escapay, but in real life, I go by the moniker “Albert Gutierrez”. It’s an okay name, not one I’m too crazy about (why couldn’t I be named Jake Mackenzie? He sounds like an exciting person.), but it’s been with me for the past 22 years and I don’t feel like going through the whole legal process on changing it.
I have been called a lot of things before, but I think my favorite description was from a couple of friends in high school. They were discussing random stuff in the control room (yeah…I was part of the A/V department and did stuff like the morning announcements and a local-access cable show), when I came in with a stack of VHS tapes for editing purposes…
(Friend 1 and Friend 2 are sitting in the control room. Albert walks in, with a stack of VHS tapes.)
Albert: Hey, guys.
Friend 1: We were just talking about how great it would be if we could clone you and sell you to people.
Albert: I don’t get it.
Friend 2: It’s like…
instead of a dog, have an Albert!
Yes, that was a real conversation I had with some friends in high school. Apparently I’ve got all the qualities of Man’s Best Friend, which is ironic since to this day I’m still terrified of dogs. There was more to the conversation (stuff like reasons to clone me, how I’m better than a dog), but I always remembered the cloning idea and the “instead of a dog” line. Yeah…I had odd friends. I’m not even sure what Friend 2 is up to these days, though I still see Friend 1 on occasion.
*sigh* I miss those days. I’d hang around the control room for nearly half my school day in Senior Year (I had two classes there, and I’d spend my lunches and free period there as well). Did a lot of amateur video editing there, intending on majoring in Broadcasting or Communications and becoming a soap opera producer or headwriter. Of course, things change, reality sinks in, and the soap opera genre is going in the toilet anyway. Teaching is safer, is something I’ve done before, and I’d rather have a steady paycheck with summers off (to work seasonal at Walt Disney World, of course!). But I still do a lot of writing, if just for myself. I’ve written short plays, short stories, and have a few ongoing projects that I tackle whenever I have the time. Whenever I need inspiration, I’ll watch a bit of
Bringing Up Baby or
Splendour in the Grass in order to get me in a mood (the former for comedy, the latter for drama).
I haven’t posted in more than a month, and while it’s an interesting story as to why I’ve been MIA, it’s also a personal one that I’d rather not share. I like to keep all my lives separate. There’s my family life, my school life, my Disney life (what’s left of it), my online life (Disney), my online life (Soap Operas), and of course, my secret life in the Czech Republic that that nobody is supposed to know about.
The last time I posted my picture was probably in that “JibJab Starring You!” thread, and that was just my face. The rest of me is pretty normal. Black hair, brown eyes, about 5’6’’, and weight is about 20 pounds more than I’d prefer. Then again, it’s more to love and is great padding for winter.
I tan easily, hardly ever get sunburn. During my time in Disney (regardless if it’s summer or winter), my skin just goes from tan to tanner and makes me look less Asian and more Hispanic/Latino/whateveritisthatcastleintheskyalwayspreferstocallit.
I hate shoes. The barer the foot, the freer the soul.
I’m not nearly as crazy as my online persona is alleged to be. That probably stems from the bitterness that’s been building up within me since June 6, when those (censored) at Disney fired me. I’ve since become a more serious person, both online and in real life. I owe that to…well, it’s a long story and one I’d rather not talk about, though if you ask the right people, they can fill you in.
My favorite film ever is
The Ten Commandments. I saw it when I was four or five years old (I know it was an age before kindergarten, but I’m not sure when) and I’ve been in love with the film ever since. I already have each DVD edition of the film, so don’t bother thinking of getting it. I like to make sure I watch the film once a month, and even though I’ve seen it so many times that I can recite long passages of dialogue verbatim, there’s always something that surprises me or that I notice which I haven’t seen before. Plus, the audio commentary is excellent, one of my favorites to listen to, and one of the few I willingly listen to more than once.
I really love romcoms, but not stupid ones like
How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days (which was interesting, but I just hate Matthew McConowhatever). My favorite romcom is
When Harry Met Sally… (which, like TTC, I already own). If there’s one thing I hate, though, it’s the actual word “romcom”. It makes it too restrictive to include films like
Somewhere in Time or
The Notebook, because there’s little comedy to be found in either, thus negating the “com” of “romcom”. And I’d rather not call them “romdram” for romantic drama because “romdram” just sounds…weird. I guess, then, that I just like a lot of romantic films, regardless if they have comedic or dramatic elements. But I still hate the word “romcom”. It’s become such a clichéd and overused term, and one I find rather derogatory, along with “chick flick”. But that’s another argument for another thread, so I’ll stick to using the word “romcom”, until I can come up with something better. It’s not often to find a straight male openly admit to loving romcoms, but I’d rather watch Rachel McAdams make out with Ryan Gosling in
The Notebook than sit through a cliché-ridden action film train wreck.
Aside from romcoms and romantic dramas I also love old Hollywood films. Fortunately, I’m not of the “it’s old, so it’s a classic” school of thought. There are some truly bad old films, even from big studios. I don’t think I’ve ever sat through
Citizen Kane without fidgeting or changing the movie. Sure, it’s a filmmaking/technological/ innovation for its time, but half the time it’s boring and tedious for me to try and watch. But I do love a majority of old films, and my two favorites from the “Golden Age” would have to be
Casablanca (a stock answer for anyone who likes old movies, but for me it’s because I’m a huge Bogart fan) and
The Band Wagon (my favorite musical ever, even beating out
Mary Poppins, which is my favorite live-action Disney film). Also, I’ve got an undying love for Gene Tierney and Audrey Hepburn, and an undying admiration for Montgomery Clift and the aforementioned Humphrey Bogart.
Finally, we get to Disney. Ahh, Disney. I’ve got a love/hate relationship with Disney right now. I love a wide array of their films, but I hate the treatment they get on DVD. And much of BVHE’s output in the last couple years have been mediocre at best, with a few standout sets. But still, the bad have outweighed the good. Seriously, a re-release of
Robin Hood without so much as a fluffy 10-minute featurette? And who in their right mind approved of that “Platinum” in name only Edition of
Peter Pan? Shoddy shoddy work. If I could, I’d leave a lump of coal on the desk of every employee at BVHE.
Anyway, that’s about it. A longer-than-it-should-be description about myself, along with some brief descriptions of the types of movies I enjoy and an even briefer rant towards Disney. So…on to the list.
You know what’s funny? I originally had a very large list, complete with Amazon links and everything. Then I realized, “this is stupid, why should I provide so many choices?” Sure, it’ll be a bigger surprise. Sure, it gives my Secret Santa a wide range of possibilities. Sure it’s variety, which as we know is the spice of life. And just as variety is the spice of life, music is the food of love, which makes masturbation a quick snack between meals. And if you just became thoroughly disgusted by that previous line, then you obviously haven’t seen “My Dinner in Hell”, which is Episode Two of Series Two of “Coupling” (of which I’ve got the entire series on DVD, yay!)
Anyway, back to the list. The more I thought about it, the more I realized just how greedy a long list is, even if I know only one or two things will actually be sent to New Jersey. So, I deleted most of it (thus, making the “primer” from my earlier letter a waste), and instead, I’ve got a modest list (about 3-6 items per category, except for DisneyDVDs
) of a few things I wouldn’t mind getting for Christmas. And only the DVDs have Amazon links, because I did them first.
Books, CDs, and non-DVDs
Remember the old playground rhyme? “First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the…(hairy chest/treasure chest/other ones I don’t remember)”…Well, it doesn’t apply here, I just thought I’d throw it in.
Books
I’m not much of a book person, but I’ve been thinking that a book would be a more surprising (and more interesting) gift than a DVD. There’s not that many I can think of, but these few are ones that came to mind.
Audrey Hepburn: An Elegant Spirit – A Son Remembers – my sister borrowed this from the library over the summer, and it’s a great read and has a lot of unique Audrey pictures, mainly because most are family photos (the book is by her older son Sean Ferrer). It’s more of a family album than actual biography, but I still love it.
Walt Disney: the Triumph of the American Imagination – yet another Disney biography to add to my meager collection of Disney books. A part of me wants to steal all of Lars Vermundsberget’s books, since it’ll give me an opportunity to visit Norway. But I’m sure he’ll catch me and subject me to whatever version of torture they have there.
The Art of Meet the Robinsons – oddly, I’ve never collected any of the Disney art books, but I always loved flipping through this one at the Disney Story. I wouldn’t mind having this book, since the DVD lacks any art gallery. (grumble grumble…)
Cider House Rules: Sheet Music for Piano – the film’s score is one of my favorites, and I remember seeing a book that contained the complete score in sheet music form for the piano. But if you can’t find the book, then just plain sheet music for the Main Title would be great.
CDs
I’m more partial to soundtracks than I am to actual music artists, so here’s a few soundtracks I don’t have yet but would love to add to my collection.
The Band Wagon (1953)
Peyton Place (1957)
The Graduate (1967)
Legend: Jerry Goldsmith Score (1985)
The Cider House Rules (1999)
Phantom of the Opera (2004)
Other
Just…other…
Red Converse Sneakers, Size 9 ½ – Partly because I need new sneakers and partly because I like the Tenth Doctor’s geek chic wardrobe.
Doctor Who’s Sonic Screwdriver – if you can find a real one, I’ll love you forever. But the toy one would be fun too.
Doctor Who Action Figures – I know netty posted pictures of them before, but I’ve never really collected action figures since Playmates stopped their
Star Trek line in 1999, and I don’t even know if they’re available in the USA. Still, it’d be cool to have action figures of the Tenth Doctor, Martha Jones, Captain Jack Harkness, and a Dalek. Or a Cyberman, which I like more than Daleks. Netty, if you’re reading this, have they done action figures for the clockwork robots from “The Girl in the Fireplace”? Also, is there any K-9 action figure available?
Disney Chocolatears: Milk Chocolate Maltballs – I practically lived on these during all my times in Disney. It’s one of the few things I truly miss about working there (Earl of Sandwich and casually walking the parks being the other two), so if you’re in the WDW area, I’d really love if you could pick up a bag of these.
Clue: Haunted Mansion Edition – Clue is my favorite board game, and I’ve been dying to get the Haunted Mansion version (in the nice tin case) that they sell in the Disney theme parks. It’s been out for a few years, but I never had a chance to pick it up. I read somewhere that there’s also a retail version that comes in a standard cardboard box, but it’s not as fancy as the theme park edition.
A fountain pen – silly thing to ask for, but why not? I’ve never owned a genuine fountain pen that you have to fill with ink, and it’d be interesting to have one. Also wouldn’t mind a nice leatherbound journal to write in, as my composition notebook (the latest in a long line since 1997) is almost filled.
Those Little Shiny Silver Discs That Play Movies and Have Cool Things Like Trailers, Documentaries, Commentaries, Galleries, and Deleted Scenes but May Also Have Lousy Things Like Slipcovers, Crappy Pan & Scan Hackjobs, Generally Bad Movies, Useless Fluffy Featurettes, and Music Videos by Smiley McTweenstars
Yeah…title says it all.
Disney DVDs
My Disney collection hasn’t grown much in the past several months due to being both fed up with Disney and because there isn’t much that’s out there that I really want. And the ones I do want are out of print, so there’s no point in asking. Anyway…here’s some Disney DVDs I have yet to pick up…
Walt Disney Treasures: The Chronological Donald, Volume Two – I’ve seen one or two at stores in my area. Of course, that doesn’t help if you’re not in my area, but if you shop online regularly, there’s still copies on Amazon.
Walt Disney Treasures: The Chronological Donald, Volume Three – this comes out December 11, plan accordingly if you must.
Lilo and Stitch – I’ve held out long enough waiting for the gorram two-disc to hit North American soil, and I’m tired of waiting. So I’ll settle for the single-disc, unless of course, you manage to get the Brazilian two-disc, which is R1/R4.
So Dear To My Heart – and if you’re able to get something from Brazil, I wouldn’t mind their R1/R4 DVD of this film as well. The link actually goes to the US Amazon page (where some people sell the Brazil DVD in the Marketplace), since I can’t seem to find an Amazon Brazil.
Robin Hood – it’s an entirely useless re-release, where the only things of quality are the theatrical ratio, alternate ending, and art gallery. But the film is #4 in my Top 10 Favorite DACs, and I’d want it anyway.
Cinderella III: A Twist In Time – dear lord, I can’t believe I added this to the list. But what can I say? A guilty pleasure is a guilty pleasure.
Frank & Ollie: Special Edition – I’ve always been meaning to pick up this documentary, but never got around to it, and after watching the brief Frank & Ollie featurette on
The Jungle Book, I really want to see this doc.
Aladdin 2 & 3 Collection: The Return of Jafar, Aladdin and the King of Thieves – I’ve put off buying them, but since they’re going OOP in January, I really should pick up this set one of these days.
Now You See Him, Now You Don’t and
The Strongest Man In The World – Dexter Riley rules!
Freaky Friday (1976) – nothing says “Christmas” like Jodie Foster finding loose change in her socks and Barbara Harris hitting on the future Jimmy Olsen.
Mickey’s Once Upon A Christmas – well…maybe this does a better job of saying “Christmas” than
Freaky Friday!
Mickey’s Twice Upon A Christmas – as does this!
Classic Doctor Who DVDs
Blame netty for this addiction. I’ve got all the current R1 releases pertaining to the Sixth and Ninth Doctor, so don’t worry about those. And up until November 6, I had all the Fifth Doctor releases. They just had to release “Time-Flight” and “Arc of Infinity” ahead of “Timelash”, which I was eagerly awaiting. (and now I’m waiting for netty or some other Whovian to say, “You want ‘Timelash’??? WTF are you smoking, Scaps?!?!”). Anyway, I provided the Amazon Link for one title from each Doctor that I don’t have yet but would want over their others.
First Doctor
The Beginning Boxset
The Aztecs
The Web Planet
Second Doctor
The Seeds of Death – of course, it’s the only Second Doctor DVD I don’t have yet, so it gets picked as the “one title” by default.
Third Doctor
Inferno
The Three Doctors
Carnival of Monsters
The Green Death
Fourth Doctor
Robot
Pyramids of Mars
The Robots of Death
The Talons of Weng-Chiang
Horror of Fang Rock
The Leisure Hive
Fifth Doctor
Time-Flight
Arc of Infinity
Seventh Doctor
Ghost Light
The Curse of Fenric
Current Doctor Who DVDs
The Tenth Doctor is the current one, and is my favorite of all ten, since he’s the one I first watched regularly. Well, technically I saw the last two episodes of the Ninth Doctor, but I don’t count that as part of my “watching regularly” since I saw his episodes after I saw the Tenth’s. This section really has no reason to be here other than additional explanation of why I like Doctor Who. I’ve already got the first series (Ninth Doctor), but not the second or third (both Tenth Doctor). Given that their SRP’s are $99.98, the links are not for Secret Santa usage, but an incentive for me to buy them one of these days.
The Complete Second Series
The Complete Third Series
Non-Disney Animation
Animation that Isn’t Disney?? Inconceivable!
At least it’s only three titles. Unfortunately, only one can be easily found in stores, harrumph!
Grave of the Fireflies: Collector’s Series – it’s not a priority, as I’ve got the movie on DVD already, but the CS adds a bonus disc with interviews. (Unfortunately, according to Amazon this is OOP and only available in Marketplace…grrr…)
Happily Ever After: Collector’s Edition – am I serious? The 1980s Filmation “sequel” to
Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs? YES! I’ve got a disturbing fondness for this movie. I was so glad to read that BCI/Eclipse (as opposed to the old Fox disc) has given it better DVD treatment, but I can’t find it in stores anywhere. The link goes to its page at FYE, since it’s not available at Amazon. Unfortunately, it’s out of stock at FYE as well, but at least they have a picture of the cover and a better list of bonus features. I have a sinking feeling this DVD had a low print run, which is why it’s so hard to find.
Anastasia – there’s nothing wrong with the ending, there’s nothing wrong with the ending. I’ve been meaning to pick this up for myself, but never had the time or money.
TV on DVD
This section got reduced greatly to only four titles…okay, four TV shows…
“Aquaman” Pilot – there’s no Amazon link since it’s only available via a “Smallville” season set at BestBuy, and only while supplies last. I don’t like “Smallville” (“Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman” was
my Supes series), and I don’t plan on buying a season set simply for “Aquaman”. But if you like ”Smallville”, buy yourself a set or two (that way you can get the “Aquaman” pilot), and send me one of the free discs.
The Golden Girls: Season Three,
Season Six,
Season Seven – any season will do, I love them all.
Friends: Season Five – I don’t care to buy the big fancy red box set, mainly because I like having the discs divided by seasons rather than by a Friend-Head. The fifth season is my favorite, which is why it’s the only one listed. It has quite a few of my favorite episodes from the entire series and the best season finale in the series (“Hello, Mrs. Ross! Hello, Mr. Rachel!”). If you’re curious, the other seasons I don’t have are the fourth, sixth, seventh, eighth, and tenth.
Doogie Howser, M.D.: Season Four – all I need is this final season and my collection is complete. How sad. Doogie should have run for five or six seasons.
Six Classic Films I Really Want
I remember I started a thread for
Golden Boy, but nobody responded to it, grrr.
Golden Boy (1939)
Random Harvest (1942)
Son of Fury: The Story of Benjamin Blake (1942)
The King & I: 50th Anniversary Edition
Two for the Road (1967)
2001: A Space Odyssey – Two-Disc Special Edition
Seven Recent Films I Really Want
Why seven? Because
Stardust doesn’t come out until December 18, and that link is for my use rather than for Secret Santa.
The Great Gatsby (2000) – an A&E television film with Paul Rudd and Mira Sorvino. I saw it my Junior Year of high school and have always wanted to see it again, even if it’s nowhere near the calibre of the actual book.
Ella Enchanted (2004)
Casanova (2005) – no, this isn’t the glossy Heath Ledger version. It’s the one with the Tenth Doctor (David Tennant) as Casanova.
The Lake House (2006)
Spider-Man 3: Two-Disc Special Edition (2007)
Hairspray: Shimmy & Shake Edition (2007)
Stardust (2007)
Six Holiday Films I Enjoy:
It’s a nice mix of traditional holiday films, children’s holiday specials, and…
Gremlins.
Christmas in Connecticut (1945)
Miracle on 34th Street: Special Edition (1947)
Christmas Eve on Sesame Street (1979) – I loved watching this as a kid.
Gremlins: Special Edition (1985)
Home Alone: Family Fun Edition (1990)
A Flintstones Christmas Carol (1994)
Okay, so it’s not as modest as I originally thought it would be, but given the length of this letter, it could have been a LOT longer.
And if you need to see what you shouldn’t get…
Escapay’s List of Owned DVDs at dvdaf (separated by studio, with the general “owned” section being unsorted titles in recent weeks)
Pay no attention to my Wishlist sections there. One of these days I have to clean it out and remove titles I don’t really want anymore, along with re-organizing everything else.
Well…that’s it. If you survived reading this post, congratulations, Secret Santa! Here’s a pink elephant!
And if you survived reading this post and you’re NOT my Secret Santa…I’m sorry to have taken up so much of your time. Here’s a pink elephant to make you feel better.
Finally, a standard reminder regarding DVDs: Region 1 OAR.
And if possible, Rachel McAdams’ cell phone number or her authentic e-mail address would totally be better than any other gift. Heck, Rachel McAdams herself would be better than any gift, but that would require a lot of postage. Then again, a nice picture rolled up and tied with a bow or lace collar would be great substitute (which is just what Secret Santa Renata did last year for me!)
Your Secret Cindy Lou Who,
Albert “Escapay aka Scaps” Gutierrez
P.S. – Little Merman, if you are reading this and have the same mailing address as last year, I’ll try to send you a lock of Leo’s hair for cloning purposes (you can thank Julian Carter, Friend 1, and Friend 2 for the idea).
Leo sends his love, btw. I stopped by his house to greet him “Happy Birthday” a few days ago, and stayed for lunch, then for a rousing game of Scrabble! I put down the word “shnerple”, and we got into an argument as to whether or not it’s a real word. It’s not, but he let me keep it anyway, and I let him put down a nonsense word (he put “elgran“) to make things even.
P.P.S. – Actually, “shnerple” has been used as a real word before. I read somewhere that people can use it as a fake product name when you want to confuse/annoy a Wal-Mart employee (eg. “Do you know which aisle they keep the shnerples?”).
-CJ
