So, I came out to my mom back in September (on my birthday, actually). It went...kind of awkwardly at first. She didn't have a negative, hateful reaction. Just a, "Well, how do you KNOW you're gay if you haven't..." one. And it was like, "Mom, by the time you're 24, you just know." I rolled it out at first as a, "What do you think our family would think if someone were gay...?" And led with that. And then she pulled the, "Were you molested" card and that was...probably the worst part. And as the weeks went by, she became way more...use to it, I guess? Making the adjustment. Though she still makes comments about how 'hard' it's going to be for me as a 'gay man.' She seems so worried about the possibility of me getting gay-bashed. I still haven't told my dad. Or my extended family. Haven't had the chance. Don't really SEE them or speak to them with any regularity. And, even though I was all ready OUT on Facebook, some people didn't realize it, including one of my closest friends, so, I realized I HAD to set the record gay. I posted the following status a week ago:
"It's come to my attention that not everyone has realized by this point that I'm a 'mo. That surprises me, not just because I've had myself listed as 'gay' on here since (I think?) 2012, but also because I don't think I've made any attempt to downplay that aspect of my life. I may not have ever made an explicit post about it, but that's owing more to my modest nature than anything. I most certainly have never felt ashamed of my sexuality. I've said before that I know so many LGBT people have a horrible period of self-loathing (and some, sadly, never even get over it), but, honestly, I NEVER felt that way. I think so many people fall into the trap of thinking, "If religion and society says there's something wrong with me, then there MUST be something wrong with me." Whereas I always viewed it more like, "If religion and society says there's something wrong with me, then something's wrong with THEM." And it never bothered me. I have never thought of it as being any more interesting than the fact that I'm left-handed or have brown hair and blue eyes. And yet, here we are. It's 2015, and it feels like we (meaning lesbians, gays, bisexuals, etc.) STILL have to make a look-at-me big deal about it at least once. So, consider this that once."
-And it got a positive response. I only have about 70 friends on Facebook, and nearly 20 of them liked or commented on it. I have a cousin on my friend's list. I wonder if he's going to pass the word onto his mom (my dad's sister) and save me the trouble of having to do the whole, "I'm gggaaaayyyy" cliche at Thanksgiving or Christmas (the only time our family gathers). I still want the chance to tell my dad and grandpa MYSELF, but I'm really not sure HOW to without just calling out of the blue and seeming all, "I'm a fag!" and making it...weird? Vapid? Attention-whore-ish? Does that make sense?
Even though I still live at home, I've been working harder on improving myself. I've always been scrawny and pale. So I've been working out and going outside, trying to build some muscle and feel better about the way I look. I've also recently begun learning how to drive (which, up to this point, has been a major phobia of mine, and has prevented me from achieving a lot in life) by getting my permit. I'm trying to strike out on my own, get a place, get a job and my comic-book published and just get to a better place mentally and physically. And once ALL of that is accomplished, (dare I say it?) maybe even start dating. Because I've felt so insecure about my situation, being unemployed, unable to drive, scrawny and living at home, unpublished, with nothing really to show for my life, I've put off even TRYING to have a romantic life. That I'm naturally introverted and shy doesn't help. But, I've really felt too...pathetic and unworthy to even put myself on the market and have been trying like hell to change that. A lot of it has to do with depression. And anxiety. But, at least by 'coming out,' it feels as if I have one LESS thing to worry about it, and that's good. I hope you don't mind this novel-length and typically out-of-character for me personal post, but I just needed to put it out there.