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PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 6:22 am 
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I'll tell you my stories and then you can add yours And/or tell me what you think.

So, I have these 3 friends and I've had the same problem with them that drives me insane.

1. I went back to Puerto Rico (been living in Spain) a little after hurricane Maria. And I gave her a TV series and a movie to watch. Both I knew she'd like.

She's the kind of person that doesn't go out often.. she prefers to spend the weekends in home and she likes movies. So, of course I expected her to have watched them and she hasn't
Over a year now. No reason for not having done so.

2. In Spain I have this friend for years from.a different city. Another person that loves movies and TV series. Through out the years I've given him several movies and series to watch as Christmas gifts. Movie and series I know he'll love. Yet he hasn't watch them. The excuse? For the most part that he's busy and doesn't have time; Again, it's been years. Yet he tells me that he's either watching new movies or go back to watch movies he's already watched.

3. I've given this friend several gifts ( in this case, for the most part decorations). These decorations are small and of styles he enjoys. Yet he doesn't display them. They're all put away.

And that's it. On a later post I'll go into detail of each situation and the reason it bothers me so much.


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PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 12:46 pm 
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Why do you keep giving people homework as gifts?
Because that what it ultimately amounts to. You gift someone something and expect a follow-up... and then you judge them if they don't comply.
I'm very different when it comes to gift-giving; once it's given, it's done. It's up to the other person to decide what they want to do with it. They can keep it, watch it, throw it away, it's all their decision.
If they decide to get back to me and let me know what they thought of it, great! If not, well, I wan't expecting anything, so there's no reason to get upset.
I know I'd hate to receive a gift with work attached, no matter how much I appreciate the gift itself.

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Asante sana, squash banana, wewe nugu, mimi hapana.


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PostPosted: Sun May 05, 2019 4:21 pm 
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Ok. So it's not homework. I gave them those things, in the case of movies and series, knowing that they will like them. It's not that I gave them something I don't know if they'll like or they just won't.

... neither I expected them to watch them immediately. But when years have passed then it's hurtful.

For instance, the friend of Spain told me that he didn't watch the Harry Potter movies neither he planned to ever. I bought him the movies, knowing his tastes, and not only did he loved them but even bought them again on BD.

And, funny you should bring the "homework" theory since it's particularly interesting in this case. As I said, for the most part, he hasn't watch the movies/series I gave him and you point out that I shouldn't care or expect their opinions, yet always, always, always he wants me to give him mine on gifts he's given me or to reply to things he asks me immediately.

It bothers me in particular because he's the kind of person that only considers friends very few people. I'm one of those. And one of the only ones that cares to give him gifts.

As for the third person kind of similar to the other. He won't display or show the things I give him yet he actually demands that I should wear whatever clothes he's given me.

On the other hand, I'm living in a very difficult economic position. So it's not easy for me to get him something that in the end he won't care about.

Add to that the fact that I have a condition that makes me live in constant pain. This condition affects the muscles on my legs. It was excruciating for me to go all around to get him those things and all for nothing.

...and he knows well all the effort it takes me.


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PostPosted: Mon May 06, 2019 1:40 pm 
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I kind of remember you having issues like these before, right?

I'm with Nandor. Once you gift something to someone, it's literally out of your hands and they can do, or not do, whatever they want with it, including leaving it to collect dust for years. Yes, it sucks, and you feel unappreciated and like you wasted time and money, but that's the risk that comes with the situation.

Sometimes people just don't appreciate things the same way we do. You say you've given them presents you knew they'd like? But did you really? Chances are, if they're a fan of something, they probably already own it. Everything else is just you projecting they could be into something else based on their other preferences.

Hypothetical example: I love Harry Potter books and I like Greek mythology so my friend assumes I would like Percy Jackson books. I've seen both PJ movies, told my friend I liked them enough, so my friend has an extra incentive to get me the full PJ set. So they do, and I keep the books on my shelf for basically forever, never finding the right time to start reading them. Why? There could be multiple reasons, but the most important one would be that maybe PJ doesn't interest me much after all, even if it does combine two of the things I like otherwise. If it did, I'd probably already own the books. It could be the same with your friends.

And also, there is a possibility they really have no time to do it. I know I have piles of books and DVDs I haven't gotten around to reading/watching yet, and only some of those were gifts from other people, the rest I bought myself. So just try not to take it personally, there's really nothing you can do about it. I honestly believe there is joy in the act of giving people gifts, and I love figuring out what to get someone I really know and love, but my involvement in it stops the moment I give the gift away. It's just how it is.


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PostPosted: Tue May 07, 2019 4:02 am 
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Thanks. I think I might have talked about this before but this time I had to add a couple more of situations and add to the one I told before.

The fact that this people actually enjoy movies/series and have the time is what hurts and bothers me the most.

For instance, if 1. They were too busy or lived complicated lives I'd understand or 2) They didn't like those things then it was my fault for having given them that. But that's not the case.


The friend in Puerto Rico for instance didn't have nothing else to do. Literally. There wasn't TV for almost a year. She could have watched what I gave her; it was just one movie and a short series

And on top of everything I knew she spent the time watching YouTube on her cellphone.

...oh, and she was interested in the movie and the series for starters.

With my friend in Spain I wouldn't care if I didn't know about him or what he's doing. But we have a Web Page and Forum (that's centered around movies) and he's constantly posting movies and series he's watching. Add to that the fact that, for actually telling me he doesn't have time, he posts that's he's rewatching movies and just a couple of days ago told me that he's going to start watching several series as to not feel not just unappreciated but angry.

...oh! And again, his nerve of asking me ( in a way demanding me) to tell him what I think of whatever he's interested in.

And that's why I can't let go.

PS

And believe me, I learned and don't give movies/series as gifts to them anymore.

PS2

You're just like me with Harry Potter and Greek Mythology. But unlike you I bought and read four of the main Percy Jackson books and liked the movies. Sure, it was and obvious Harry Potter take on Greek Mythology but precisely for that, the fact that the Harry Potter movies were done and there were just 5 books (back then) I'm sad it didn't took on.


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PostPosted: Thu May 09, 2019 10:38 am 
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DC Fan wrote:
The friend in Puerto Rico for instance didn't have nothing else to do. Literally. There wasn't TV for almost a year. She could have watched what I gave her; it was just one movie and a short series.

This is exactly what I'm talking about. There's just no possible way for you to know she had time and opportunity to watch the things you gave her. You can't look into another person's life, all you can do is make assumptions based on the information you have. There's nothing inherently wrong about that, but please don't judge people for what you believe to be wrong* choices.
*for lack of a better word

This might be a cultural thing, as you've said your friend has shown the same behaviour. I don't know if there's any truth in that, but it might be something to take into consideration.
As for how to deal with him: I see two options.
1) You watch whatever he watches you and demand the same from him (in whatever words/tone he's used with you, in order to drive the point home).
2) You don't comply with his demands, but stop your own demands as well (make sure to tell him why you won't watch/share your opinions).

Obviously, I think option two would be the better choice. Less pressure on everyone, and if you do choose to watch something gifted, it'll be a nice surprise and something to talk about.

In the end, there's no point in getting upset about other people's use of their time. You have no control over this, they do. You've made your point, the rest is up to them.

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Asante sana, squash banana, wewe nugu, mimi hapana.


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PostPosted: Fri May 10, 2019 3:54 am 
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My friend in Puerto Rico, believe me, I know she had all the time in the world. She told me herself how bored she was since there was nothing else to do and before giving her the series/movie she spent the time just watching YouTube. Besides, she rarely goes out on the weekends. She spends them in her house watching TV.

...on top of everything, and just by coincidence, we were talking via WhatsApp when a movie topic came out and she told me she's behind on what's going on.

As for the other friend I'm taking your advice. I'm fact, I'm practicing it already.

Regarding the friend that doesn't display what I gave him, one of the things I gifted him in Christmas was a messenger bag since his was worn out and the other things he wears are bags that are on the same condition and yet he doesn't wear the messenger bag Well, he bought me a pair of sneakers and I'm not using them. He even told me to wear them and I said to him that I will when he uses the messenger bag.

As for the friend in Spain I'm applying that technique in similar situations.

And that's, more than anything, my point. I wouldn't feel hurt or disappointed had I known that these friends have their own situations or aren't interested in those things. Then it would have been my fault. Like if they have 2 jobs, are taking care of someone or actually don't like watching movies. Then I shouldn't complain. But that's not it. On top of that they actually demand the same from me.

...also, and to make it clear, I didn't ask or expected for them to watch those movies/series the next day. But it has been more than a year in the case of my friend in Puerto Rico and probably, at least 5, with my friend on Spain.

Thanks for the answers.


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