Not by me, this is a 1992 short play that someone wrote (and I'm sure was mentioned on the forum before...)
I found a sequel of sorts to that play, too. And it goes a little something a-like-a-this-a...
(Transcript of the Disney Heroine Round Table, 1998 Edition, held at Cinderella's Royal Table at Walt Disney World on Dec. 1, 1998, Cinderella moderating.)
CINDERELLA: Good evening, ladies, and welcome to the Disney Heroine Round Table. This event was formerly held only once every decade, but Mr. Eisner has decided that it should become an annual event. Our last --
CINDERELLA: What was that?
MULAN: Um....I didn't hear anything.
CINDERELLA: I must be dreaming. Where was I? Oh yes. Our last Round Table was held in 1992, and Snow White was moderator. Sadly, she is unable to moderate this year, due to (ahem!)
a prior commitment --
MEG: Oh, come on, Slipper Girl, don't beat around the bush. We all know about the voice lessons.
CINDERELLA: Oh dear. You do? (sigh)
Yes, I'm afraid you're right. Poor Snow could no longer speak in public without becoming the subject of ridicule. Her voice was working against her. She's currently attending the Suzanne Pleshette School for Husky Speaking.
ESMERALDA: And a fine school it is! That's my alma mater, you know.
MULAN: Oh, great! Why didn't somebody tell me about this place sooner? I'm the one who really needed
to have a husky voice.
CINDERELLA: That's all right, dear, you're so flat-chested that nobody even suspected you were a girl.
MULAN: I beg your pardon! Just because I'm not a Barbie doll --
ESMERALDA: Hey! Enough already. We don't need to turn this into a battle over bra size.
POCAHONTAS: What is...... "bra"?
MEG: Trust me, Nature Girl, you're better off not knowing. Those puppies of yours give you power!
MULAN: Oh, please! I singlehandedly defeated the Huns and saved China, and I did it without flaunting my "charms" all over the screen.
MEG: Don't get your panties in a wad, Soldier Girl.
POCAHONTAS: What is..... "panties"?
CINDERELLA: Oh my. Perhaps we'd better change the subj -- Eeek! What is that crawling on the table?!
ESMERALDA: It's an ant. Gee whiz, Cindy, don't you ever clean this place? You've got little mice running around in shirts and dresses, and now bugs! Paris during the plague was cleaner than this joint.
MULAN: Bugs make nice pets.
MEG: Gross. I'll whack it. Somebody give me a hard shoe.
ESMERALDA: Don't look at me
POCAHONTAS: What is...... "shoe"?
MULAN: Wow, you must have tons
of closet space at your house. No bras, no panties, no shoes....
ESMERALDA: While you
, on the other hand, need both His and Hers closets to store all your stuff.
MULAN: Hey! At least I live in a house
, not a wagon.
MEG: Meanwhile, the ant is getting away. Look, Nature Girl, your little Zorro dog with the black mask has a shoe in his mouth. Get it from him, will ya?
POCAHONTAS: Meeko is a raccoon. And you should show more respect for the creatures of the earth.
MEG: Listen, Miss Tree Hugger, I need that shoe! Give it to me, Zorro Boy!
MEG: Got it! Take this, bug!
(Pocahontas tries to shield the ant from harm, but it's too late)
WHACK! SPLAT! SMASH! SHATTER!
POCAHONTAS: You savage! Look where the path of hatred has brought you.
ESMERALDA: Just goes to show, bugs don't do well inside fiberglass stone walls.
MULAN: And look what happened to the shoe! It's in a million pieces. By the way, whose shoe was that?
CINDERELLA: Er, that would be mine.
MEG: I might've known.
CINDERELLA: I think we'd better get this meeting back on track. I've got a 12 o'clock appointment. The subject of our discussion will be "Female friendships as portrayed in film: from All About Eve
to Thelma and Louise
." Let's --
CINDERELLA: There it goes again! What is that noise?
MULAN: I don't know what you're talking about.
MEG: Slipper Girl's right. I heard it, too. But it's stopped now.
CINDERELLA: Oh my, look at the time. I can't worry about it right now. Let's take attendance...... Esmeralda?
ESMERALDA: Over here, near the stained glass window.
MEG: Yeah, yeah, whatever.
MULAN: Reporting for duty, sir!
POCAHONTAS: What is "attendance" and why do you want to take it from us? Haven't you taken enough?
CINDERELLA: Princess Atta?
CINDERELLA: Princess ATTA
MEG: Who the heck is Princess Atta?
MULAN: Never heard of her.
ESMERALDA: Me either.
POCAHONTAS: What is...."Atta"?
CINDERELLA: It must be some mistake. As far as I can tell, we have all the latest Disney heroines present and accounted for. Let's move on. Where did I put my briefs?
POCAHONTAS: What is ....."briefs"?
MEG: Don't start that
again, Mother Earth!
CINDERELLA: Esmeralda, I think your goat ate my briefs!
ESMERALDA: Oh. Sorry. You really need to be more careful with your apparel, Cindy.
MULAN: Ha! She can't even dress herself. She has her Fairy Godmother to take care of that. Whereas I
can slip into full military gear in a dark tent in thirty seconds flat.
ESMERALDA: That's funny. I can slip out
clothes in a dark tent in thirty seconds flat.
CINDERELLA: Well! No wonder you have a kid even though you're not married, you harlot!
ESMERALDA: Look who's talking, Miss "I'm-just-gonna-ignore-my-curfew."
(Chirrup! Chirrup! CHIRRUP! CHIRRUP!)
CINDERELLA, MEG, ESMERALDA, POCAHONTAS: WHAT WAS THAT????
MULAN: What was what
? I think you're all imagining things.
ESMERALDA: You must be hard of hearing from shooting off all those cannons. Even I
can hear that, and I'm half deaf from those bells. Something in here is definitely chirruping.
MULAN: Uhhhh....how about some tea? Cinderella, get us some tea!
CINDERELLA: I'm nobody's servant! I live in a castle now. Get your own tea.
MEG: Well, technically, Slipper Girl, this place is called Cinderella's Royal Table, so we did expect some kind of refreshments to be served.
ESMERALDA: Oh, she's just got PMS.
POCAHONTAS: What is......."PMS"?
CINDERELLA, MEG, ESMERALDA, MULAN: SHUT UP!!!!
(CHIRRUP! CHIRRUP! CHIRRUP! CHIRRUP!)
MEG: Hey, it's coming from Soldier Girl! Just what kind of contraband are you hiding there?
MULAN: Ummmm...nothing, nothing. It's just my father's sword squeaking. Maybe you have some olive oil I could borrow? Heh.
POCAHONTAS: I recognize that sound now! It is a cricket. A creature of the forest. How delightful to fall asleep to the sweet sounds of --
ESMERALDA: Delightful?! That thing's more annoying than those dopey bells!
MEG: Speaking of annoying, Miss Ding Dong, those damn coins you've got hanging off your clothes are pretty irritating. Jingle, jangle, jingle, whenever you shake your little gypsy behind. Do the words "paper money" ring a bell?
ESMERALDA: Well, I guess it's easy to talk when you're working for the head of the Underworld mob, and you've got a rich athlete for a boyfriend. I've had to scrimp and save for every coin I've got.
CINDERELLA: If you want to talk about hard work, I used to -- Look! There goes the cricket!
MULAN: Come back, Cri-Kee!
POCAHONTAS: I'll save him!
ESMERALDA: Eat him, Djali!
MEG: No, I'll squish him. Gimme your other shoe, Slipper Girl!
CINDERELLA: I most certainly will not --
(KNOCK!! KNOCK!! KNOCK!!)
ESMERALDA: (alarmed whisper)
Who's that? You tricked
me, Cindy. I thought this place was a sanctuary.
CINDERELLA: Shhhhhhhhhhhh.................I'll go see.
(Cinderella returns a few moments later, pale and frightened)
CINDERELLA: Ladies, I'm afraid we have bigger problems than that cricket. There's a couple of lionesses at the door. They claim they're supposed to be part of the Round Table. They mentioned something about a king, and their pride.
MULAN: Lions?! Don't let them in. I've seen this act before. It's those damn Huns in disguise.
MEG: Yeah, this trick is as old as the hills. I've seen it pulled off with a horse.
ESMERALDA: They're gonna burn down the castle. Trust me on this one.
CINDERELLA: Oh dear, it's five to twelve. In a few minutes, I won't look presentable at all. I can't have guests at a time like this.
POCAHONTAS: What is....."lion"?
Well, um, as a matter of fact, Nature Girl, a lion is a creature of the earth. Yes indeed, a beautiful, friendly animal..........help me here, girls.
MULAN: Yes, it's not native to Virginia, so you probably have never seen one.
ESMERALDA: But you're just the gal to reason with them. Why don't you go out there and do your diplomacy thing, and find out what they want?
CINDERELLA: Um, yes, we'll wait right here while you discuss the situation with them, and then you come back and give us a full report.
POCAHONTAS: Yes. I shall speak with all the voices of the mountain, and they will understand. Come, Meeko.
CINDERELLA: That's right, dear. Run along now.
(Pocahontas leaves the room with Meeko.)
ESMERALDA: Quick! Out the stained glass window! Hope you girls can swim. Let's go, Djali. (splash!)
CINDERELLA: But how are we going to explain this to Mr. Eisner?
MULAN: What's to explain? They're predators, and she was wearing nothing but deerskin. It was an accident waiting to happen. Besides, she's had her direct-to-video sequel already. The rest of us haven't.
But....this - this - this.......drop!!
MULAN: Yeah, yeah, great wall. Now jump.
CINDERELLA: But the water in the moat will simply ruin this lovely ballgown and --
CLOCK: Bonggggg ....... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg ..... bonggggg!
CINDERELLA: Oh dear........never mind. (splash!)
MULAN: Your turn, Moussaka Mouth. Jump!
MEG: Er, I have this little fear of heights. Nothing serious, you understand, but -- hey, what's that?! There's something in my dress! Holy Hera, it's crawling all over me! Aaaaaaaagh! (splash!)
(chirrup......chirrup.....glug glug....chirrup....glug glug)