Sorry for bringing up the old thread, but there are many things in my mind that I have to somehow vent about...
As you guys clearly know, one of the highlights of the year for me was finally going to Walt Disney World. Yeah, to some it may seem silly that a trip to a theme park may count as a massive life goal, but it is to me. I worked VERY hard, endured everything from a sickness in the family to countless drama at work and saved every penny I earned towards making that dream a reality. And because of that, the trip was better than I expected. I met some dear friends of mine, I saw some great shows, met awesome characters and just had a blast. Heck, on my last day, I didn't get the infamous post-Disney depression people get. That was because I knew that I would be returning to a job that would help me fuel my dreams even further, and I could rest easy knowing that I have the power to make anything a reality.
Except that wasn't the case, it seems.
See, before I went on the trip, I went back to my job to discuss our plans for the new semester. We were given monthly plans, given tours of the new facilities, we were GUARANTEED a job when school started. So in August I went back and asked how the project was going...
Not kidding, the conversation between me and the project coordinator went like this...
Me: So, when do we start the new semester?
Coordinator: We don't know yet
Me: OK, so when do we sign the new employment contracts?
Coordinator: Not sure, either
Me: Hmm... and who will be the junior high coordinator now that the old one has retired?
Coordinator: No one has been picked yet
The answers were basically "No, no, and no". Right then and there, I knew something was going on. When you have the confidence that something will start, you are given clear answers. So the rest of August went by, and the project failed to start again.
By then, rumors started circulating that the project was done and over with, other rumors said that there was so much drama behind the scenes that the mayor of town decided to not approve the project. It is the middle of september, and mum is the word about this project. Since I saw the writing on the wall early on, I decided to go on a job hunt, something I dreaded doing since I was hoping I would be able to end the year as an employed man.
And due to that, I've been feeling angry, bitter, frustrated and upset with everything. Heck, even I have started to look at my nephew in a negative light. I mean, he just graduated high school. He only has a high school diploma, his job experience is minimal. Yet just getting out of high school he found a steady, paying full time job. Meanwhile, I have all this work experience, I have all these skills, I have all this education, and what do I get? SQUAT.
Not only that, I recently learned that my father has to go into surgery yet again. It seems his heart is still weak, even with a new valve in place of the old one. He has to now get a pacemaker ASAP in order for his heart to be fully functional. My mom and I discussed it and we both agree that the reason his heart isn't functioning is because he is literally heartbroken over my nephew. Basically, we helped him get that job. My parents did their best to make sure he had everything needed for employment. Heck, they even helped him get his own car. And what he has done for us? Nothing. I know we shouldn't be asking for something in return when helping people out, but all my nephew does is just help his family out, a family that only calls to him when he has money and they need something. Meanwhile, we don't ask anything in return, but he doesn't help us. That has my dad bitter too, and in turn it is affecting his health, which in turn affects ME because I have to go through the mentality of my parents's mortality and me not finding a job.
All of this has me in a very disappointed mood, a very angry mood. A lot of people keep telling me to keep trying, that when a door closes a window is opened, to keep the faith, to keep believing in yourself yadda yadda yadda. But not even motivational thinking is helping ME get over this funk. I don't know, maybe I am becoming too hard over the idea of just believing in the best and keeping the faith, and I need hard, concrete proof that things WILL get better. I mean, I try my hardest to send resumes out, I have updated that thing so it is more appealing to employers, and I have applied to everything from professional careers in my area of expertise to basic level jobs and NOTHING. It's like I am meant to live the live of a worthless, stupid, waste of oxygen while everybody else gets to live their great lives that they managed to achieve through their own hard work and determination.
It just makes me so angry that I don't know what to do about it. I can't be all emo, but that's all I have been feeling as of late. I can't dismiss all of my life, but there hasn't been any proof that tells me otherwise. I just don't know what to think what to believe in anymore...
And at times, I just want to end it on the spot through any means possible.
I just don't know. I just don't know...