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<i>Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 3rd Annual UltimateDisney.com Movie and Media Awards. A few hours ago, the biggest stars from the worlds of film, television, music, radio, and print gathered on the red carpet with the most prestigious members of UltimateDisney.com. Now, they've filled the hallowed seats of Off-Topic Hall, where they will award the best that the entertainment industry has delivered in 2006. Now, please make welcome your host, Aaron Wallace. </i>
<b>Aaron</b>: Hello, everyone, and welcome to the 3rd Annual UltimateDisney.com Movie and Media Awards. It's an honor to be back hosting the awards this year. 2006 has ended and a lot has gone with it. We saw the Last Holiday, the Last King of Scotland, and the X-Men’s Last Stand. Jennifer Aniston Broke Up with Vince Vaughan, Santa Escaped, Doogal was Flushed Away and Will Smith Departed in the Pursuit of Happiness, arriving at his Final Destination: a Date Movie.
Others stuck around or came together, though. Lindsay Lohan had a Beer Fest but wound up with A Prairie Home Companion, Superman Returned, and 93 United. The whole gang showed up at Madea’s Family Reunion: Big Momma, Grandma’s Boy, the Flags of our Fathers, the Children of Men, their Nanny McPhee, and even The Shaggy Dog. There were a lot of Little Children there, in fact: Dreamgirls, Material Girls, Phat Girlz, the History Boys, and of course, Little Miss Sunshine.
Things got pretty personal at the box office this year. We met Tristan and Isolde, Akeelah, the Bee, Marie Antoinette, Arthur, and the Invisibles. It was Open Season for Bobby Kennedy and a Talladega Night for Ricky Bobby. Taj Rose and Van got Wilder, while George was Curious and we all were Marshall. With all this familiarity, I’ll feel Hoodwinked When a Stranger Calls.
There was a lot of travel in 2006, too. Garfield told a Tale of Two Cities: Annapolis and ATL. Some went by trains, some went by Cars. Robin Williams took an R.V. Samuel L. Jackson took a Plane. Tokyo Drifted so far north, it was Eight Below. Meanwhile, James Bond headed south for a Miami Vice: gambling in the Casino Royale. A Good German delivered Letters from Iwo Jima to the Home of the Brave, taking a Fast and Furious trip 16 Blocks down a Glory Road and spending his Night at the Museum. Borat booked a Hostel in The Wild of Kazakhstan, where the Silent Hills Have Eyes. From Babel to the Caribbean, there were a lot of Happy Feet moving across the globe this year.
Not everything was so pleasant, though. It seems that The Da Vinci Code cast an Omen on theaters this year, ushering in the four horsemen of the Apocalypto. The Underworld Evolved; the Devil Wore Kinky Boots and a Painted Veil. The Ultraviolet Pink Panther followed his Basic Instinct, Running with Scissors but tripping Over the Hedge of Pan’s Labyrinth of Black Dahlias, facing An Inconvenient Truth when Blood Rayned. A Lady in the Water Accepted a Tenacious D and a V for Vendetta against John Tucker, who had to Die in Charlotte’s Web. The Grudge faced a Failure to Launch, though, and her Mission proved Impossible. Elsewhere, the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Began and an Inside Man took Notes on a Scandal in the Monster House. Nacho Libre learned How to Eat Fried Worms, biting into what he thought was Hard Candy, only to learn that it was actually a Blood Diamond disguised by The Illusionist. It all felt like one big Scary Movie, truly Stranger Than Fiction. Few managed to Stay Alive and when all was said and done, it was just You, Me, and Dupree.
We almost had a Black Christmas, too, but a few Unaccompanied Minors managed to Deck the Halls and save The Holiday, sparing us a Nightmare Before Christmas in 3-D. Instead, we saw an Ice Age and heard The Good Shepherd’s Nativity Story. I Saw 3 other Guardians: The Sentinel, The Marine, and the Man of the Year and witnessed Eragon Stick It to The Ant Bully. Oh, The Prestige! Volver had me thinking it was Déjà vu, but no, Rocky Balboa was back! Far from Invincible, he made a Jackass of himself while Miss Potter decided to Take the Lead and prove that She’s the Man. A few Benchwarmers and Clerks followed their American Dreamz and joined a Beer League, but no one really gave a Hoot.
We had some New Adventures outside the movies, too. It was Time Again to bring SexyBack to the Basics, but somehow Ugly Betty entered The Fray. We all got to Jump to the sounds of Scissor Sisters, Good Monsters, and a Promiscuous Girl whose Hips Don’t Lie. The Heroes of Scared Heart learned How to Save a Life while the Godless Devil Got a New Disguise. There were 18 Singles, 30 Rock, and a Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. UPN Collapsed and The CW went Into the Rush. A Culture Warrior had the Audacity to Hope for Peace, Not Apartheid. “Weird Al” was Chasing Cars Straight Outta Lynwood to make room for a White & Nerdy High School Musical. Now, at The End of a Series of Unfortunate Events, we’re simply Waiting for the World to Change. In a Little While, we’ll Move Along and realize We’re All in This Together. Deal or No Deal?
Yes, it’s a been a long ride, and overall, I’d say it’s been A Good Year. So get ready to Click your mouse; we have a long evening ahead of us as we show off the best of 2006 For Your Consideration. So now, without further ado, I present to you, the 3rd Annual UltimateDisney.com Movie and Media Awards!
Off-Topic Hall is committed to your safety and comfort. Please remember to turn off your cell phones, refrain from talking, and Thank You For Smoking!
-Aaron
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