The Universe has stomped on me thread. Rant or clear the air

[Goliath]

[...] So you play the pros and cons game in your mind. "I like him, but he said this, and I think that that's mean. But I always have so much fun with him and he opens the door for me. But he smokes. But he has good hygiene otherwise. He acts immature with his friends, but he treats me like a princess." Like that.

Oh, I've done that soooooo many times! I know exactly what you mean!

And as for the whole weight issue, I'm not sure if I've ever really added my two cents, but it's such a superficial thing. If someone doesn't want to date you because of your weight, that's unbelievably shallow of them and in the end, not worthy of your time.

I disagree. I know, I know, it's not the 'politically correct' or 'socially accepted' thing to say, but... looks do matter, and they matter to most people and that doesn't mean they're shallow. I said the same to a girl at my former job who would claim she would rather date a 'normal' guy who was nice than a handsome guy who was a jerk. I said: "well, but what if you could choose between two nice guys and one of them was normal-looking and the other was handsome?" And there's the catch: no matter how noble we all want to make ourselves look like, in the end we all prefer to be with someone we are attracted to --and not only when it comes to somebody's character!

Let's also not forget beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's a cliché and it seems to undermine what I said before, but it doesn't. Think of it: yes, it's true that slender girls with long legs and the 'hourglass figure' is deemed much more attractive and desirable by most men than a short overweight girl. True. But, it's also true that girls who are not 'traditionally' pretty (by most people's standards) can 'become' attractive in the eyes of a man when he gets to spend a lot of time with her and likes her for character and *therefore*, through her character, starts to see her in a different light fysically. I've gone through that a couple of times with girls I knew for a longer period of time.

Hmmm... did I just undermine my first paragraph with the second?

Back to my original point, then. When we don't know people yet, we always judge them based on their appearance. It's only natural, that's the only thing we have to go on at that point. So when I walk into a room and I see one really beautiful girl, some 'normal' girls and some 'unattractive' ones, I'm gonna want to know more about the beautiful girl first. It's not shallow, it's just the way we work. The heart wants what the heart wants.

[blackcauldron85]

looks do matter, and they matter to most people and that doesn't mean they're shallow.

No, I mean, isn't it biologically proven that looks matter when seeking a mate? But the beauty is, everyone has a different type, and it's kind of like Beauty and the Beast- people can fall in love with someone for so many reasons, and you're completely right- beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

I mean, the walking into a room thing...some people will go for the jock or cheerleader type, some will go for the indie-rock-looking people, some will go for the nerdy-looking people. People are just attracted to different types of people.

Like, some people think that Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt are so hot, but they've never done much for me.

[Goliath]

Like, some people think that Johnny Depp and Brad Pitt are so hot, but they've never done much for me.

True, I see what you mean. I also don't like most famous women who are considered the 'hottest' by most men/media. But that doesn't mean that the majority of people doesn't share my taste in women. Or that I'm not attracted to beautiful women. I mean, most men would not immediately rank the famous women whom I think are beautiful in their top 10, but they're not unattractive by any stretch of the imagination. Many will say they're not their "type", but nobody will call them anything but beautiful. That's what I meant to say.

Although I did try to nuance it, with my second paragraph (which has applied to me, as I described), but generally speaking, it *is* true that most people are not attracted to huge overweight people with rotten teeth, acne-covered faces and big clowns feet. It's not shallow to point this out.

I can't count the times I have walked on the streets, encountering couples and thinking: "how the hell did he/she/they ever find somebody/each other?!" Mean, I know. But true.

[blackcauldron85]

but generally speaking, it *is* true that most people are not attracted to huge overweight people with rotten teeth, acne-covered faces and big clowns feet. It's not shallow to point this out.

There is a difference between being overweight or not being conventionally attractive, and being unhygienic. Of course in this society, there are certain norms as to how people should be, cleanliness-wise. I'm assuming that pretty much any society has that.

[pap64]

Since I posted on this thread a while ago, I might as well offer you guys an update...

First off, my economical and social situation has improved DRAMATICALLY in the last few weeks. The job I mentioned early is finally a reality! I started worked on the 16th and have been steady since! Work, despite being rough due to it being a fairly new, big thing in town, has been flowing well with no major issues yet *knock on wood. In fact, it just seems to be improving with every day that passes.

See, at first I was hired as a technological educator, someone that attended the library and made sure everyone knew how to use the computers for the program purposes. The job didn't pay the same amount as a tutor or as a teacher, but it was good enough for me to make a healthy living. But then on Thursday, I was called back to change my contract. Now at first, I thought something had gone wrong and the contract changed my pay and position badly. The truth of the matter was that there was indeed a change in the contract... for the better. My new position is that of a teacher/librarian in charge of the program's library and will be paid the exact, same amount as the teachers! So with just a week I got a raise!

From that moment on I started to believe that things were starting to fall in line, not just to me but my whole family in general. Just this afternoon I was very happy that I was able to go to the supermarket and buy food for my family using my food stamp benefits, and mom was very happy that things were changing for the better. So we went from having a Christmas with no presents and selling my games just to feed us to likely having more than we needed.

I know a lot of you don't believe in God, and I respect that, but for the first time in what may be YEARS I feel like my faith has been rewarded. That's why I changed my banner to reflect a message of faith, because I had been waiting and working hard to make things happen and it finally seems like my prayers have been answered. I now keep praying to God that everything remains stable, and to give us strength should any harm come our way.

In other words, I feel both very happy and humbled by everything. This is why I haven't really said anything because I didn't want to sound overly prideful and upset anyone. I get that this is a very Hank Hill of me to do, but I have been waiting a long time for this and I am more than thankful that the gears are starting to move.

Now, there is now a new worry in my life... my father. While he is still very active and not as sickly as other people, he has been feeling a tad ill as of late, and the thing is that when he gets ill, he begins to get... morbid. He starts to talk about death, about what to do on his funeral and such. On the outside I just smile and laugh, but on the inside I just cringe and feel bad.

OK, I get that he is on his twilight years, and that his health is beginning to fail. I also get that they are just accepting the reality of life and are coming to grips with it and working to make sure my sister and I are ready to work on any funeral arrangements. But... the problem is that dad almost seems obsessed with death. We could be having a fun conversation and then BOOM, he drops a comment about his death. We could be having a great dinner and BOOM, he makes another comment. It just gets to the point where I just want to tell him "CAN'T YOU JUST TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE??".

I get it, we all die. It is inevitable. But I don't want to bring it up when we are having fun or just enjoying, you know, LIFE, which is happening RIGHT NOW. It also sends me on a paranoia ride as I begin to think that because he has been sick both mom and dad know something and are afraid of telling me. I have faith that this isn't the case and dad is just being morbid in his delivery, but still, despite all the great changes in my life it just makes me insecure about my life, the future and the possibility of the rest of my years without my father.

Maybe it's just me, maybe I lack the sense of humor, but it still kind of hurts when dad brings it out of nowhere and in the most importunate of times.

But don't get me great, save for that little tidbit, I actually feel great! Just last Thursday I was telling more how great it felt to look forward to the weekend and to the work day when originally, all my days were the same and completely meaningless. It feels great to now that I am being useful and working hard to make someone happy.

[Super Aurora]

I'm proud and Happy for you Pap64. I wish you continuing success and luck.

[blackcauldron85]

Pap, that's awesome!!! Congratulations on the job and the raise!!!!!! I like how you said:

how great it felt to look forward to the weekend and to the work day when originally, all my days were the same and completely meaningless. It feels great to now that I am being useful and working hard to make someone happy.

That's such a good attitude to have!!!

About your dad, though. I think if you don't feel comfortable talking with him about it, maybe try telling your mom how you feel. How you want to be supportive of your dad but you don't feel comfortable with all of his morbid talk, or something? It'd be nice if you could enjoy spending time with your dad again without having to feel so sad every time.

[Rose Dome]

I'm glad to hear that things are going better for you, pap.

I agree with blackcauldron about your Father. You shouldn't keep it inside if his talk about death depresses and concerns you.

[slave2moonlight]

I still need to catch up here. I'm just posting to say that I am no longer employed at the car lot (supposedly the number one car lot in the country right now, or something like that). The bottom line is that they treat people like garbage there. It was disgusting. I mean the way the management treats the sales people. They publicly humiliate you by screaming at you and insulting you, in front of customers no less, even for something so simple as asking a question. The stress was insane, and I was there at work almost every second I was awake. I mean, I would get up and go to work, come home and have dinner at like 11 at night, then struggle to get some sleep, then have to go right back. It was just not the life I wanted. Admittedly, I also didn't have the knack for sales (customers liked me, but I was uncomfortable trying to push things on them and also don't know one car from another). It sucks though, that I wasn't able to last until finding another job. I had a very interesting talk with a customer yesterday though. It was a lady and her daughter, both of whom seemed to really like me. We chatted a lot while a more seasoned sales person was off getting their paperwork going. At one point, we were discussing my concerns about the job, and she told me about working for Progressive and how great it was, aside from the difficult customers. This was info from her cousin, I believe, who is the one who works there, so it admittedly was second hand, but she made it sound very tempting, and much better than what I was doing. I was working like a dog at this car lot and it was not being appreciated at all, and I hated the way they were treating me. I will apply for Progressive tomorrow, and hopefully, I'll hear back, because I need an apartment immediately. On the upside, Kiki was very supportive through it all, if only through texts. She wanted me to come by and see her today though when she heard what happened, but I was already back at my sister's, which is in another (neighboring) city and a good 40 min. drive she didn't want me to have to repeat. We, are probably hanging out tomorrow though. My fingers are crossed that she doesn't fall back into her usual thing of canceling at the last minute. But she has been really sweet lately, texting me daily, which she never did before.

[Rose Dome]

I'm sorry to hear about your employers, slave2moonlight.

All I can say is that I hope you are able to find a workplace where you are treated better.

I'm thinking of you.

[blackcauldron85]

Yay for networking!!! Good luck with Progressive- I hope it works out! I think that it's always respectable to leave a job if you're not being treated right- I've done the same thing, too.
And that's great that Kiki wants to hang out- wishing the best for you!!!

[Lazario]

My mother's been in the hospital for over a week now. She was taken in for a collapsed lung and her progress hadn't improved, so she's been taken to see specialists at a second hospital where they're going to operate on her throat to repair damage to her esophagus... if they can. She's apparently so bad off that they might not be able to help her. And then, she won't be able to drink or eat without being hooked up to tubes that drain all the stuff that doesn't go to the right places out of her. I don't think I got a very good explanation from my father who called me from their house. They said there's even a chance that she'll die. But I doubt it. This is supposed to be a really good (expensive) hospital. But I am also convinced they won't be able to repair the damage.

She's supposed to be in surgery right now. I guess I'll know in a couple hours if anything's changed. Which it will, one way or another because we'll know everything that could be done to help her and just how bad the damage is. If there's any chance for improvement. Or, in a freak event, that she might die. I've already explained to a few members here that I don't have a great relationship with my parents due to my abusive upbringing. They try to deny it and I can't forget it. I hope she's okay because I don't hate anyone no matter what they've done but she's always been a real substance abuser. Smoking, drinking, pills, etc. If she ever got better, it would take a lot of work to make sure she never smoke and drank again. And my father can't watch her all the time- she's unemployed, he works.

When I get any news, I'll reply back.







EDIT (3:14 Eastern U.S.):

She's out of surgery and the doctor said she's alive and the surgery went very well.

Now, she's probably going to be in the hospital for 2 weeks and by then, if she's able to eat and drink on her own without the tube they inserted in her throat- she'll be able to go home.

[blackcauldron85]

Oh, Laz. *hug* I'm glad she came out of the surgery. I'll keep you all in my thoughts.

[Lazario]

Thanks.

The next thing to deal with is the bill when it comes in.

[Super Aurora]

Thanks.

The next thing to deal with is the bill when it comes in.

You're paying for it? Wouldn't your father should be responsible of that? I dunno much about your family so I assume you're parent would be under same insurance.

[blackcauldron85]

Idk who read my novel in here, haha, but it's hard...

Like, sometimes I get confused about things, and then other times, I feel like I know what is best for me.

Like, I've been working on this paper for a while, and my boyfriend is willing to help, moral support or help me organize and stuff, even though he's not here with me right now, and I mean, that means the world to me.

There are times when I feel so sad and unsure about life and what I want and stuff, and maybe it's those times that I'll think about S, for example, but then at times like this, even though I'm stressed, R2 is there for me. I'm not used to someone being that there for me, you know?

Just wanted to get that off my chest, I guess.

[Lazario]

If you think things that aren't going right in your life is your influence, you can always just shake up your behavior. Works for me.

Thanks.

The next thing to deal with is the bill when it comes in.

You're paying for it? Wouldn't your father should be responsible of that? I dunno much about your family so I assume you're parent would be under same insurance.

No. I just help out.

Though there's no real "just" about it. I pay thousands of dollars a year to help them out. As for money to spend on anything I want that isn't food, rent, or utilities- we're talking dimes a week if I'm lucky. In fact, I have to talk extra jobs some times to make ends meet.

[Elladorine]

Hmmm... did I just undermine my first paragraph with the second?

Well of course looks matter and obviously contribute to first impressions and the like, I'm just saying that being intelligent humans we should be able to look past that simply because people are more than just their looks. I'll be the first to admit hygiene is important, as well as dressing decently (who wants to be around someone that's always smelly/dirty and wears ratted, stained shirts), but that's a different issue altogether. And as you've implied, once you get to know someone better you often see them physically in a different light (it works not only favorably when you like someone, but the other way around when you don't, and isn't limited to attraction alone).

What I was mainly referring to in my earlier post though was Nathan saying he'd met someone on a personals site, but getting rejected in RL because she didn't find him physically attractive. That's what I'm calling shallow, when people don't bother to get to know someone better just because of their looks. And I just know tons and tons of guys missed out on me because there was a prettier girl in the room with a much less engaging personality.

Since I posted on this thread a while ago, I might as well offer you guys an update...

So good to know that things are finally getting better for you! As for your dad, well, mine kinda went through the same thing. I just took it with a grain of salt because I understood where he was coming from throughout most of it.

In my case, I don't think my dad feared death, but it had to have been on his mind a lot since the men on his side of the family seemed to have short life spans. Neither his father nor any of his brothers lived long enough to retire. He actually retired several years early so he'd have the chance to enjoy it, and often spoke of what he wanted to have happen after he was gone, typically at the most inopportune times.

Anyway, a parent talking about such issues as death, funerals, wills, and the like is simply trying to make sure things are taken care of. I'm sure you understand that aspect, even if it's morbid and depressing, and I think it's just an odd way for him to show that he cares about the future of his family and he wishes to know that you'll do well without him. Perhaps you should simply acknowledge that although it will hurt deeply and that you'll miss him terribly, thanks to his love and support your family will continue to do alright without him. Hearing that will probably be reassuring to him and may slow down his morbid outbursts.

And I hope I don't sound morbid myself by saying any of this. I lost my father eight years ago this month, and understand more than ever where he was coming from, especially since something he was adamant about still hasn't been taken care of like he'd planned. As you know, I'm in the middle of trying to straighten that out.

I was working like a dog at this car lot and it was not being appreciated at all, and I hated the way they were treating me. I will apply for Progressive tomorrow, and hopefully, I'll hear back, because I need an apartment immediately.

Sorry to hear that the job didn't work out. My last two jobs in WI were a complete nightmare, where I was constantly belittled and overworked. I held on to one of those jobs as long as possible since it was either work or immediately lose the roof over my head. I hope you've heard back from Progressive or can find something else soon.

She's out of surgery and the doctor said she's alive and the surgery went very well.

Good to hear she pulled through it ok.

The next thing to deal with is the bill when it comes in.

Oh, do I know that feeling well. My hospital and doctor bill came in earlier this month, as the miscarriage happened while I was uninsured (two weeks before our new insurance could kick in). We're able to make payment plans, but damn. Can't believe how out of control health care costs are these days.

[Goliath]

There are times when I feel so sad and unsure about life and what I want and stuff

I think everybody has that.

[Lazario]

The next thing to deal with is the bill when it comes in.

Oh, do I know that feeling well. My hospital and doctor bill came in earlier this month, as the miscarriage happened while I was uninsured (two weeks before our new insurance could kick in). We're able to make payment plans, but damn. Can't believe how out of control health care costs are these days.

My father went into the (first) hospital to visit my mother and brought her and one of her nurses those McDonalds' Shamrock Shakes and after the nurse got hers, she ran into the room with money in hand even though my father is the type to never expect payment for a gift. He finally took it after he got in a conversation about the fact that nurses can make $30 an hour or more. Yeah... I clearly "chose" the wrong profession.